I crash landed in a weird space. Mentally fried. Seems like the theme for half the year now but also professionally. I have been asked to stay for a few more days to transition and train the newcomers. I was also asked to take leave because no budget to pay for the extra leave days I possess. So, off began the month where I had the most numbers of days on leave since the pandemic.
I tried my best to restore a film camera but the results was out of focus at the moment. Hence, I landed back on my family’s once loyal Yashica camera. It is an experience that I haven’t been able to compose when I capture images on different cameras. This month saw me use four cameras, one being the phone obviously, a couple of times on a Polaroid, on the digital camera and the film ones. Each captures a story, each captures the necessity behind capturing the time safely inside to retreat.
June, perhaps has been that. A retreat.
Sometimes, it gets blurry when everyone gets busy and you are not so much. I feel a bit like a cousin of those characters in Inside Out.
Tried retracing friendships and the tales and the circumstances before reality sets in slowly like the mist. Do you still mean the same for people, how do you know your value has increased or dipped?
Also, I think I have transitioned into a digital being. People believe they know what’s happening in my life. But hiding behind this translucent curtain after being on either sides of the spectrum is a power play. I sometimes think that’s sad as well.
Instead of thinking how it would be to document one’s life that would be written down someday, I thought might as well do that myself.
So far, it’s daunting. Because you have to be honest to no one but yourself. How long can one lie to each other.
I ate chocolates and things that can’t be named. I saw fireflies and stars. I also saw what vacation does to you and to your circle in ways one can’t imagine, yes, good and bad. I did off road driving and had chilli wine. I spoke to not many in particular but listened whatever I could. I ended up climbing hills knowingly and unknowingly in process, some were steep.
I was relaxed and floating but I also was grounded and humbled. A retreat as I said.
I watched shitty and good movies and read Samanth Subramanian’s books. I hope to gather enough courage to get autograph on them the next time. I promise it will happen this time, Pranava. I hope to write something like them too one day.
I miss writing even thought I have written the most this month. I am not sure if I am saying what’s there in my mind or overturned a spice dabba and a weird rasam has emerged.
I feel like texting people but also want to respect their time. Moderation is a scam.
I struck up a friendship with two senior pups nearby. Even though a lady keeps asking me to control the Parle G dosage. I also got at the same time underwhelmed and overwhelmed for not doing absolutely nothing for a few days.
But I also held seasons in my hands, I saw love diffusing and also condensing. I began appreciating the little bit of beauty in the world and didn’t go to eat,pray and love territory as well at the same time.
Adulting is hard but trying not to be an adult is even harder even as seasons and reasons get out of hands and out to the world.
Wrote this in another post but I rarely like what I write, but this retreat has made me realise that I am transitioning to a fine dining experience of immersing and enjoying rather than the darshni type places of hogooo begaaa speed. Enjoying whatever I make of things and time.
But retail therapy is fun. Today, with energy already in reserve, I went ahead and purchased one more thing. It helps but also is a reminder on why it helps. It’s a mischievous circle. Cheeky rascal.
I fell ill and wondered what would be the case 40 years down the line. The fact that I am hydrated ensures I had regular supply of tears ready to deploy because of them. I ended up staying worried for a while. Saw friends navigating through some exciting and equally daunting things, saw my father do that in a professional setting. I guess I unlocked this package too.
I am making a change. A thought-out, cautious, ambitious gamble. The odds are in no one’s favour. I also made a graceful exit thanks to people, I will be going there to be soaked in their love for sometime. Either it will give me energy for what comes next or tension. Who am I kidding, I will be both.
As Lyricist Pa. Vijay writes in one of my favourite songs I sneakily danced to in my younger days, June Ponal July Katre.
The breeze has change in it again.
The breeze would decide the future yet again.
Another Writer Guy. 