Nothing

Every day I come here and stare at my WordPress app. I look at my blog, a photo before I embraced the fact that beard does look better which again was a nudge from a special person. The blog looks dead. While writings of others bloom with deep delves of discovery, observations that make you seem you were there along spectating it.

Revelations, Emotions, Commotions all happen. And yet, I stand lost.

I think I complain a lot internally, playing passing the parcel with it. That nonsensical thing still ends up with me and I lose the game. I am not scared of losing anymore is what I tend to feel, but when you are remind of the losses then the fear tilts to winning and you don’t want to win because the loss hurts more than.

Sometimes I make really good sense, maybe not this piece of writing being written in a fit of rage and confusion and other complex (not really) feelings. I deliver beautiful advices that I am shocked has emerged from the barely functional brain and heart that hic-cups quite a bit. But I don’t have the energy to push through. A pothole emerges and while I have the energy to go through it and emerge out, because you can’t avoid one anyway. The zeal to go forward keeps reducing and then you slow down, and give up.

I wish I hadn’t given up then. Maybe things would have been better, maybe things would be so bad that I would still be there but at least I wouldn’t have given up and ponder over it while some pop song plays in background. Stupid song doesn’t pop my thought bubble when I want it to. It takes me that emotions and allow me to marinate and add imaginary taste that I will never be able to in reality.

None of this makes sense. But so is the world.

I have been writing sad things that I wish lead anywhere, sunshine but it comes back to the peripheries of the thing I am running away from.

Frankly I am embarrassed, I feel I have over shot my self pitying quota. My therapist on the contrary said that I have processed things well and it’s time I take care of myself as well. I barely started acknowledging the supposed tremendous work I put in and my shoulders are too heavy for now. If only he knows the extra over time I put in feeling clueless on what I have done.

Capitalism I get you now. I also tried filling void with three purchases I made for myself. Void is there only, now is there in my savings also.

Nothing makes sense. Everyone is just drifting through, desperately latching on to some semblance of sanity which is again a mirage but oh well it’s too late.

When someone asks what are you thinking about, how do I say nothing. No one trusts that one can think of nothing. but these days it is a free exercise, enough to keep things up and running but no excess effort is needed.

I miss that excess effort I used to give happily. All I do now is become a slave to some screen which affects my posture but at least it’s golden retriever puppy reels. That’s a solace.

If you have read till here, thanks. I probably won’t ever look at this piece. I won’t delete it either because these words aren’t mine. It’s the multiple voices doing a pan-life collaboration for a mega project that is going somewhere but no clue where exactly as well. S

Stumble and Rumble seems to be the flavour of the season. Stumble is okay, Rumble hurts is what I realise. Would have been nice if there was some symphony adding that oomph factor but no, it’s one work laptop that hums monotonously with varying range at the same time. I realise it mimics my brain, different thoughts, lot of process and work happening around and a cry for help is let out only to be silenced. No one is doing, it does on its own.

Nothing makes sense is a thought I go to but the word nothing carries so much gravitas that I am secretly a fan. Okay not a secret now but nothing encompasses everything and well… nothing.

I feel bad for the professors and teachers and those numerous writers who I read while I type on the probably Schrodinger’s void of thoughts I am in.

Nothing makes sense and it does.