I am Ironman

A typical day in class is when you waltz in and look for the perfect spot to sit. The different groups present in the class are in the process of reclaiming their bases, fiercely catching spots for their benefits. This could be the luxury of a fan on top or confines of the last bench or the spot where you can live the dream of Kumbhkarna. The gang which had adopted me are unique in their ways but united by a thread called Malayalam. Surprisingly, you manage to get in despite them hearing your version, which you proudly proclaim to be Malayalam as well. And numerous others who don’t speak as well have joined later and now after nine months are probably more mallu than you.

The day usually goes fun, you listen to classes, try to stick to the promise of making notes, making fun of people in the gang and sharing food with them . But, there are certain days when a particular phrase or a word ends up acting as a trigger. The trigger invariably puts a cloak of invisibility, that ends up making you to avoid contact, to avoid reality. You usually have the feeling of freefalling down in a dark dimension.  Eagerly waiting, to reach the ground just so you can at least crawl back to try mastering the art of existing again. You do get up, but even battered and bruised will not be enough to describe how you would feel. Z recommended me to listen to a certain genre of songs and took efforts to talk. If acha finds something abnormal in my behaviour, he just takes his bike’s key and we go and get some ice cream. The dhak dhak sound in the silent street is synonymous to the unsettling thoughts running in your head. Both Z and Acha end up providing a temporary relief, but it just rushes and hits back at random moments, when you are out with friends, when you are making fun of Salman Khan just to irk amma, when you are trying to navigate through traffic. Often you can’t help but end up over-thinking on these thoughts and worries plaguing your mind. Makes you wonder if you had applied that in Integration, the 12 th marksheet would look more good, reactions to it would have been merrier.

Randomly switching from phone screen to a book and to iPad trying to evade the thoughts wasn’t of any help. Z was out with friends and you decided to not disturb her time and Acha wasn’t home. From kitchen, Amma shouted to either keep the phone down or watch TV. Thankfully Iron Man 3 was playing and with little happiness, ended up deciding to watch it. In one of the scenes, Stark rushes out of a restaurant and gets into his suit to check on his health. And Jarvis says it’s a severe anxiety attack. Suddenly, after that scene you ended up watching the movie as if you have never seen it at all. Of course, the movie shows a good end, indicating that Stark would not have anxiety attack over the wormhole. That isn’t easy for a person to just come out of it, but somewhere it gave a hope that it is going to be fine and you can walk out of it without being battered and bruised, that you don’t have to wait to reach down but instead grab something and find a way to the top. Of course, just like how the dogs howl to match the dhak dhak sound, you would feel anxious amongst the chatter and will get anxiety attacks but every time that happens, you have promised yourself henceforth to say ‘I AM IRONMAN’ Yes, you are a guy who would question twice before buying a milkshake so can’t use billionaire or philanthropist to describe yourself and if you try to pull off the Playboy character, you wouldn’t have the expertise of fancy missiles to keep away Bajrang Dal or any other right-wing guys. But that phrase gives you power and it gives you an assurance that the fear you have, gets feared.




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